10 reasons why I am not getting married. Ask again?
by Anubha Yadav
Everyone has been on the other side of this weapon of mass destruction. If you are an Indian you know the omniscience of this one. The question has a certain extraordinary nature, it fissions out of nowhere, and if the gathering is the marriage of another sordid soul, then this question acquires an ideal context too.
Not that this question needs any context. It needs nothing. It doesn’t even need words on occasions. It defies middle-class prudery, even gravity. It flies through solids, swims in air, boxes its way through a crowd to find you alone. Privacy you say? Please do not exhibit your utter ignorance. All of this does not apply to this privilege card holder Club Mahindra question. We are Indians. Our life is an open book. We invented Facebook (public settings) while Zuckerberg was still lamenting his last birth in Zombie-land. Much like the Ganesha story you just heard from somewhere. We are the only ones who can make babies from kissing, you see.
This is a fundamental right kind of question here. The Rama of the family of such questions.
What is the question?
Frankly many do not even realize they have asked the question, it has this way of slipping through the tongue. No, no, it is not the questioner’s fault — the question itself has this power mode, it controls, it coaxes, at times it sits near the vocal chords and makes its moves. It behaves like those milk-drinking gods.
What is the question?
Pavlov’s dog was married, na?
It is completely your fault and you have a psycho problem too if you think this casual-greeting-like question is an oppressor. I mean can wishing “Good Morning” or “Namaskar” ever be an invasion? So just be prepared and answer it, as it will crawl its way into your brocade blouse or your dungaree. Top to down. Bottom to up. Horizontal and vertical hierarchies merge before it. Be it a formal meeting, a birthday party, the toilet, the milk depot, the airport, railway reservation counter, grocery line, colony park, radio, television debate, answering machine, ATM machine. Yes, yes, Indian machines know how to ask such questions.
Deep breath. RELAX.
Here are some expert answers. They are tried and tested in ideal locations. The risk of a comeback is minimal. The risk of a counter-parent-attack almost next to zero.
You Married? Huh? When you getting married?
1 (a) Tomorrow. (On the side: Poker face)
1 (b) Tomorrow. (Poker face) No? Too late? Ok, just to make you happy, aunty, let’s decide on today. But I will only leave after I have dinner here; one has to attend a wedding properly. Will we adjust in one car?
2) You will not believe it, uncle, but even Arnab Goswami asked me this, uncle. Do you watch The Nation Wants to Know? You don’t? Oh, therefore you ask. I will not tell you! (giggle) Watch the repeat, uncle, tonight at 9. I gave a great answer!
3) Same to you! Same to you! Same to you! (On the side: Bright smile)
4) I am waiting for better weather actually! (Morose face) It is either too cold or too hot. Let’s see. I want an ideal wedding. (On the Side: Bright smile.)
5) Head or Tails, What say, aunty?
5) Don’t ask, aunty. Poori baraat hi gum gayi… Lost!
6) Aunty, (coy smile) I really like your son.
7) My astrologer says I will be happy with the 13th. 7 more to kill. Sigh. Some people have to work so hard for everything.
8) Love Jihad ka case hai, uncle. Can you come to court tomorrow?
9) Aunty, I like same–same. (Important: Raise your forefingers — right hand and left hand — and hit them together like dandiya sticks for maximum impact and better results).
10) Arrey, uncle, please don’t tell anyone. We went for a magic show. This P.C. Sorcar kinda show. He was one of those brave men of science, volunteered for a magic act. How much we tried to stop him. The bastard made him a donkey — of course, we have sued the magician — hard luck comes in strange ways, uncle. Anyway, the food at this wedding is good! Have you tried the jalebi?
