5 Proven Tips For A Budding Sexist Journalist Like You
[caption id=”” align=”alignnone” width=”690"]
Nobody wants to be a Putin[/caption]
If you are reading this, you must be one of those who have been roaming around with fat thesauruses since god knows when; searching for that one Latin or French word that would automagically transform your fate. That word that hasn’t arrived yet, you think, would catapult you to the social media standing you always wished you had.
Sitting in overpriced cafes, sipping on that disgusting drink of yours that you think tastes like dog pee — which, by the way, you have never tasted but would still quote, which, by the other way, speaks a lot about your journalistic acumen — you picture yourself holding a glass of red wine at a posh book event in Delhi.
You, my dear friend, are wasting your time.
You should instead be reading this. The days of those pretentious, literary mumbo-jumbos are over. While the huge competition in the ever-expanding digital space might be making your content less accessible, it isn’t because you lack fancy language or depth of understanding. No.
You aren’t getting noticed because you aren’t grabbing eyeballs. You know no one loves you, and how you wish just that was the case. But the issue is that no one hates you either. So in layman terms you are Venkatesh Prasad. Regularly facing the clichéd existential question: who am I?
[caption id=”attachment_2639" align=”alignnone” width=”690"]
Courtesy: Royal Challengers Bangalore[/caption]
But worry not.
Renowned researcher Kim Tim (Wikipedia page is under construction) has spent months on the subject. We have a list replete with examples curated from his just-released book, How to be a Douchebag Journalist in a Day, it will rescue you from the obscurities of the internet. Being the first instalment of a two-part series, this article will only concentrate on Celebrity Bashing, which when done earnestly can springboard you to instant stardom.
“The key to getting noticed,” says good-humoured Tim, “is to buy a bottle of Old Monk…but that’s just a facade. Everyone is buying Old Monk. It is cheap and you and I both like it. Now with no more digressions we will move straight to gender-shaming — you heard it right. Anybody would work, just remember to hit the right areas.”
You wonder what right areas mean? And what bodies would work best? Thank us later.
Dealing with celebrities
First things first. Famous people from any walk of life are worth reading space. Like most of us, you have grown up flipping between page 6 and the last page of the newspaper, which is why you could not learn the big words. But it has had practical benefits which those idiots preparing for, say, CAT and unwillingly reading boring, colourless newspapers won’t ever be able to grasp.
1. If you are writing about a celebrity how would you begin? Trigger a little controversy on social media by targeting the areas — from hereon I will call them “agent” as does Tim. Your agents can be any part of the human genitals: cleavages and breasts work best. Women work best, men don’t have breasts and other people don’t matter (only around 5,000 pageviews if you are a rookie). If the concerned person takes offence, respond with a thank you note — you have hit the point. If you are fortunate enough you will cause a social media stir. But stay mum till a week and assess the situation. If there are even a handful of voices supporting you, respond with a write-up defending your actions. As Tim says in powerful language, “Tell the agents were out there accumulating dust. Remind the celebrity that she is an agency only because she has the agents. Dig up irrelevant facts. You will need very little Googling for that which looks like RESEARCH to you but we never said the road to success was going to be easy.”
[caption id=”” align=”alignnone” width=”598"]
Image Courtesy: Quickmeme.com[/caption]
2. What if you have missed the opportunity and someone else has picked up your idea before your waking up? There’s always a plan B.
Write an article still. But being a responsible writer now, begin with a righteous tone empathising with the celebrity and abusing the other journalist a little, which will come easy. Then slightly change the tone of your article and nonsensically start pointing towards the celebrity’s profession. For example, if she is a tennis star ask her why tennis players wear short skirts and why are the skirts getting shorter. Is it so necessary? If not, then doesn’t it mean that she actually wants to exhibit her agents?
“Although the writer is at fault and is a very bad person, isn’t the agency benefitting from the agents? What becomes of the writer then? Agency’s agency, right?”
[caption id=”” align=”alignnone” width=”623"]
Image Courtesy: Quickmeme.com[/caption]
3. Pretend like you are a fashion journalist. Like Arman Bhanu you could go with a Twitter description like: “I am your fashionista, sista.” Warm up with small articles on how to doll up and how celebrities don’t know shit about fashion in non-pretentious but popular publications. Then one fine morning go boom! Write a piece telling people how women celebrities of a particular field are using their female privilege. Tell people how these so-called feminists are content with their current state of being obese and ugly while their male counterparts toil in gyms. Question if this is ethical. Ask if they even care about people like you and me whose attention span depends on how well the agency is displaying the agents. Now because you are pitting these agencies directly against another gender be assured that you will be in the majority.
[caption id=”” align=”alignnone” width=”556"]
Image Courtesy: Quickmeme.com[/caption]
4. If fashion doesn’t interest you or the inner snoot tells you it is too frivolous, go for sports. Let your writing coincide with a big event, nothing better if it is a World Cup. Pretend like you are as innocent as a lamb and this is your first attempt at trying to understand sports beyond building castles by seaside. Assume a patronizing tone. If you are a woman and think you are pretty, tell people how these sportsmen are exactly like you and are nothing like feminists or lesbians. Add some sexual titillation and make the whole game look like an orgy. This will spruce your article up. Intermittently bring up your chaste, naive woman self between paragraphs to ensure that the banter remains personal and aww-inspiring. This is considerably safer than the above-mentioned ways but might not get you as many visitors, because who reads about any sport that doesn’t involve men. You and I don’t. (5,000–10,000 pageviews, thinks Tim.)
[caption id=”” align=”alignnone” width=”500"]
Image Courtesy: Quickmeme.com[/caption]
5. If you miss all the above chances. Or if the competing douchebag journalist is a bigger tool, just let it go. While this might not get you many views (8,000–16,000 pageviews, Tim assumes) you might earn a little reputation of being a feminist journalist which you can slyly use to your benefit in future. Praise the agency, that won’t come easy but you should try. Concentrate hard, ogle at her, you will reach somewhere and discover something that you can call “stunning” and “beautiful”, keeping your inner lech in control. Use big, coloured pictures and write about how her limited looks when plastered with make-up are a perfect answer to sexism.
We sincerely hope you found our write-up helpful. Watch this space for the next instalment where we will touch upon another such subject.