5 reasons why girls are not dancing with you
Even though you forcefully pay their bills, open car doors for them and exhibit unnecessary “chivalry” and machoism whenever they are around, have you wondered why you are still not getting laid? Oh, forget that. The girls aren’t even dancing with you! We can’t help you get laid but check and recheck if you are doing any of the things Antonius Arena in the year 1530 had asked you not to do. Yes, these are always relevant:
1. “Furthermore never fart when you are dancing; grit your teeth and compel your arse to hold back the fart…”
No matter what this person is saying
You can’t get away being a living whoopee cushion.
2. “Do not have a dripping nose and do not dribble at the mouth. No woman desires a man with rabies.”
Women like dogs, and Jodi Miller would tell you that women are dogs.
But apparently not the ones with rabies.
3. “And refrain from spitting before the maidens, because that makes one sick and even revolts the stomach.”
You should have read our guide to public spitting where we put a lot of research to find out invaluable tips for your leaking mouth.
4. “If you spit or blow your nose or sneeze, remember to turn your head away after the spasm; and remember not to wipe your nose with your fingers; do it properly with a white handkerchief.”
White hanky is important. Although if she knows the old hanky code she might think you prefer yourself to her, but that’s alright, and everyone likes self-sufficient people.
5. “Do not eat either leeks or onions because they leave an unpleasant odour in the mouth.”
You might have read Wislawa Szymborska’s poem “The Onion” and developed a soft corner for onionhood, or it might just be that the other Onion is your favourite website, but remember this:
And don’t fall for this pretty-faced odorous little bastard.
Thank Antonius Arena’s Leges dansandi, or Rules of Dancing, as we know it, if this helps.