Charu the Cat, The Gloomiest Cat on Internet
It is not a pleasant time of the year for me. It is cold outside. And it is cold inside. Too cold, almost unbearable. My fur is shedding. Wherever I go, I see strands of my beautiful honey coloured hair lying on the floor, on the couch, in the dustbin. Heck, I could find some of them in my milk. I had to go and drink the milk stored in that strange bottle that resembles something disgustingly human. I had to give up my dignity, for food. Survival instincts had taken over, otherwise, is this life worth living? My existence is a burden on me. Every step takes me towards an endlessly dark corridor of hopelessness. Where only loneliness awaits me.
I used to be a lovable fur-ball (hate that word) at one point. My sea coloured eyes glistening in the morning sun. I was thought to be clever, bright, happy, even. And then, one day, everything got ruined. I suddenly wasn’t cute anymore. I remember being cuddled in the middle of my afternoon siestas. How I hated the human baby that would roam around with me wherever I went. And yet, how I enjoyed the attention. My purring was looked at with admiration. “Aww, little kitty wants her belly rubbed? Come here you jelly belly, you furry little thing of beauty. Come to mamma.” Thing of beauty! Do you not remember that?
Do you not remember the number of times I shared my food with you? All the birds I brought for you and all the mice I caught for you? Did you not pat my head rather clumsily after seeing all those wonderfully dead animals lined up in your front yard? Who’s a good kitty? That’s right, Charu is a good kitty. And wee you went, taking me in your lap. I was the pride of the household. I was therapeutic. Then what happened to all the attention? Why am I not the talk of the household anymore? Is it because I am ageing? Or is it because of that cat whose name sounds just like mine. The lameass cat that jumps in and out of boxes without getting bored, is she the one to have challenged my position?
When you came to me with the proposal of making cool YouTube videos I thought you and I were on the same page. I thought we had decided we both wanted some intelligent shit. And not the same “cute kitty hides in the box”, “fat pussy rolls in cake looking adorable”, “this cat is not scared of water” videos. You know there are dogs available for that kind of nonsense? I had thought my videos will become a place to discuss philosophy and science. And literature. I thought we’d read books and call authors for discussions. Who is that author who writes books on cats? That The Wildings book, you have it on your reading table. Nilanjana Roy something, isn’t it? I hear her book had good reviews. Unless she too is one of those avant-garde writers, hiding behind the brilliance of us cat personalities. All words, no substance. I thought we’d call her and ask why she thought of us modest beings to be the protagonists of her books. I thought we’d have a nice and quiet event where people would gather and throw ideas at each other. We’d discuss Neitzsche’s idea of the overman. An overman, I think, would be much closer to a cat. If you think about it, cats have sharper minds that are way more alert than humans. Our sense of smell, our hearing capabilities are extremely heightened, and we are agile. Hell, if we fell from the second floor nothing will happen to us. The humans on the contrary keep getting hurt all the fucking time. Even a tiny scratch becomes unbearable. Sigh.
I thought we had decided we both wanted some intelligent shit. And not the same “cute kitty hides in the box”, “fat pussy rolls in cake looking adorable”, “this cat is not scared of water” videos. You know there are dogs available for that kind of nonsense?
After that I really think we should have read Fathers and Sons, excellent text, must say. I spilled some pigeon blood on it the other day and the patterns came out brilliantly. We needed to discuss the idea of Nihilism, it would have been helpful to the humans. I care so much about those good for nothing weaklings. I have risen way above the moral fabric of this world. I already am the overcat. The Overcat. Anyhow, all this is a pointless exercise. You see, this was not what my “master” had in mind. He wanted me to jump into a bowl of ice cream and lick it looking all cute. He wanted me to purr, and catch a pen repeatedly thrown at me. A pen attached to string, like I did not see that coming. Oh, and also crawl with the human baby. Talk about evolution! His demands were hard to put up with. I still dived into that bowl of ice cream, but I thought if I were to be a part of this buffoonery, I should take it a notch higher and perform a stunt. I decided to jump into the bowl and slide all the way to the glass door and jump off at the right moment.
Is it my fault that the human baby decided to cross paths with me that very moment? His head got banged into the door. And I managed to jump off at the right moment. Who’s the superior specie now? Who asked that unprepared human baby to come in my way, to steal my glory? Anyway, the baby got a minor bump on the head. And whaled like a maniac. He had to be rushed to the emergency room. Neitzsche wasn’t thinking clearly. Over(man), really? Hardly anything super or over in these creatures. Anyway, the video somehow went live and everyone started calling my “master” a beast, an evil man, not fit to be called human. They questioned his motives and wondered if he wanted to kill me and the baby in one go. Why would he exhibit such cruelty otherwise? That was the last of what the world saw of me. No more YouTube videos, they said. You aren’t a good kitty anymore. Master’s wife wondered if they should have named me Maru instead. Would that have made a difference? Maru is totally rocking the web, she said. But Maru, I say, clearly is maligning the good feline name with her activities on the web. Maybe I should send her a letter? Maybe I should influence her mind and move her towards communism? This number business that she is into, isn’t this crony capitalism? She is turning this into a cat eat cat world and I won’t stand it. Besides, what kind of name is Maru?