Consumerist Child Writes a Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
What’s up? How are you? I am Sally. Remember me? I am the one who did not get any gifts from you last year. Christmas is in two days. Two days. I hope you aren’t overeating like last year. I want my gifts this time, okay? No vomiting, no diarrhea, no constipation, no such excuses this year. Please. I won’t take it. You are already fat, why do you want to add to your troubles and to mine? I want my presents. And because you did not land on my door or rather in my chimney last year, I want a few extra somethings.
Before I come to that, I have a few things to say. I have been reading a few magazines that mummy gets. And the magazines have excellent fashion tips. My mummy follows them all. Maybe you too can consider doing the same? I noticed that you always wear the same clothes. All the time. Dear Santa, I can see how you have let yourself go. Your weight, that beard, the same old cap, and the same red suit. You need change to get noticed, Santa. Mummy says that men need to pull their act together if they want their women to pay them attention. Is Mrs Santa giving you enough attention? Is your marriage still a happy one?
See Santa, I am not being nosy. It’s not in me. But you should know that I care. I care because I don’t want you to stop being cool. You get me gifts every year. Well, almost every year. So I have got your back. Don’t worry. So whatever it is that is keeping you away from getting me my gifts can be fixed. Okay? Now, first thing first, let’s begin with discussing your clothes. I know they say red is sexy, and maybe it is sexy, but you know, it’s not sexy all the time. It’s like you are begging for attention. You want to experiment a bit with colours. How about purple? Now that’s a nice colour. It’s classy, elegant. Or maybe blue. How about blue? A nice bright, happy blue? What about black? It is the definition of sexy. And it is flattering. You will look thin. Perhaps a shade of grey would do too. Mummy says, grey is the new black. Think about it.
We also need you to trim down a little. Think about your reindeer. How much weight can they take, and how long? Your cheerful Ho Ho Ho is all very good, but tell me how can you spread the cheer this way? Making your employees unhappy? Don’t you have union troubles? I am telling you, lose some weight. I am not leaving milk and cookies for you this year. A minute on the lips, forever on the hips, always remember. A pot of green tea is all you get. It will help you manage calories. And along with the green tea, I will leave a few copies of mummy’s magazines. I am sure she won’t mind.
And one last thing, you might want to reconsider the size of your beard as well. I know that beard is the new in-thing. No one likes clean-shaved men anymore. I am with you there. But no one wants that long a beard you know. Trim it. And bring it down to a decent size. No one wants to build a nest there. Ask Mrs Santa, she will tell you. See Santa, the deal with fashion is that it changes with time. If you notice, all the magazines talk about fashion trends that change every three months. Mummy says it’s exhausting to keep up with it. But she also says that you have make an effort. Not for someone else. But for yourself. You gotta love yourself, Santa. You just have to.
Santa, don’t think that I am giving you image issues. You look cute, and you know that. But it’s just that you should be a little worried about diabetes and heart troubles. You are old now. Very old. And someday soon, you will die. Everyone does. Look at Grandma. One day she was swearing curses on Billy and I and other day, she was found dead. Not trying to scare you, but she too was binging on milk and cookies. And she too had been wearing the same clothes for such a long time. Daddy says it’s because she was old and couldn’t care much for fashion. But Mummy says she had let herself go. Do you notice any similarities here? Both of you old, with questionable fashion choices, and the love for milk and cookies. I am not too hopeful for your plans for next Christmas, Santa. Listen to me. Please.
Take good care of yourself. I hope you are planning on dropping by my place this Christmas. You better. I will be watching you. And these are the things that I want. Don’t miss out on any. Okay? Good Santa.
List of Things Sally Wants For Christmas
A bright red (happy red and not the Martin Scorsese red) lipstick. Mummy has it, but she won’t let me use it. Tell you what, throw in a few shades of blushes, kohl, mascara, the whole deal. If I am getting lipstick, might as well get other necessary things.
A dress like the ones Disney Princesses wear
A whole big closet of those dresses
Then a closet of clothes that are not dresses, I can’t wear those every day, you see. It will be too Victorian for me. All the big brands will do. Gucci, Loui Vuitton, Prada, you get the drift.
Lots and lots of shoes. And all kinds too. Stilettos, wedges boots, ballerina, etc.
Belts. As many as you can get. I probably won’t keep them all. But I’d like the options.
Sunglasses. Be careful with these. I wouldn’t want to ruin my eyes. Also, I have a tiny face. So don’t get me those big ones. I don’t want my face covered.
A few scarves. Bright, colorful ones.
Some nice jewellery. Diamonds, but no blood diamonds okay? I saw the Leonardo DiCaprio movie. It’s not nice, those black people suffer a lot already. What with their strange accent and lack of fashion sense. No gold, btw. It’s a bit tacky. And if you insist on getting gold, can it be white gold, please?
A few watches, not more than fifty. I am not overtly fond of them
A few cars like a Mercedes, a Rolls Royce, and a Cadillac. Something classy, okay?
A PS4.
The latest iPhone.
A MacBook Pro
A few perfume bottles. A bottle of Joy by Jean Patou, Hermès 24 Faubourg, Clive Christian No. 1 (Floral only), Chanel No. 5 (of course) and DKNY Golden Delicious Million Dollar Fragrance Bottle (this one is expensive, I understand, but they are donating the proceeds to charity. It’s a good deed, Santa)
This is all I will be needing this year, Santa. I hope it isn’t much. And I don’t think it is much considering the fact that you did not give me anything last year. I have been a good girl, too, this year. So I deserve it. Look forward to seeing all of this under our Christmas tree. Don’t forget to drink the green tea, Santa. Take good care of yourself.
Lots of Love,
Sally (Age, 12)