Dirtbag Voldemort Meets Douchebag Santa
Santa: It was foolish to come here tonight, Tom. The Elves are on their way —
Voldemort: By which time I shall be gone, and you dead!
Santa: Are you really that foolish, Tom. You think I fear death?
Voldemort: There is nothing worse than death, Santa.
Santa: But of course you have never looked at your nose, Tom. It is obviously the most hideous thing I have ever seen. I’d rather die than roam around with that nose.
*Voldemort Screams in great agony*
Voldemort: You shall pay for that. Pay with dear life, Santa.
Santa: Like you did when you cursed that dorky looking, annoying-as-fuck kid? The chosen one? What’s with these name tags in your side of the world? The Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived, He Who Must Not Be Named. Don’t people make fun of you, SnubNose?
*Santa Laughs At His Own Joke*
Voldemort: How dare you call me SnubNose. Where are your manners, you fat pervert? Do you not remember what I did to the Diggory boy? To Lilly and James Potter and to so many others who stood in my way to absolute glory. Do you want me to remind you of that?
Santa: Shut up, SnotFace or I’ll curse you and you won’t be left with any nose at all.
*Voldemort gets frustrated with the nose jokes and thinks of changing the subject*
Voldemort: So, you won’t even ask me why I am here?
Santa: But of course I know the reason, why must I ask He Who Has No Nose?
Voldemort: (Ignores the jibe) Oh, so you do know. You knew it all along and yet you denied me my right? You ignored my letters, like I did not exist? You will be punished. Nagini!
*Calls for the snake*
Santa: Yeah, yeah, Pinocchio (*laughs again*) stop whining like an eight year old. Oops, I forgot, you were an eight year old when you wrote to me, weren’t you? And what was it that you were crying about? Oh yes, how little Billy was making fun of your sticky scalp. You know you could have washed your hair. There was no need to continue living like your Slytherin ancestors.
*Wonders how wonderful it would be to have Pinocchio’s nose*
Voldemort: Do not insult my great ancestors, Mr. Claus!
Santa: Mr. Claus? Who the fuck talks like that? That’s right, My-Nose-Has-No-Holes does. So you have come here for revenge? Did you not kill that Billy boy’s rabbit? Do you know how much he cried in his letters to me? I had to give that sissy little kid a whole fucking rabbit. My rabbit which I was supposed to eat for supper. What about that?
Voldemort: (Pauses for a bit) But you were supposed to not discriminate.
Santa: You mean between people with nose and people without nose?
Voldemort: Just shut the fuck up. It is not funny. It is not. Did you think it was funny sending me a nose as a Christmas present? And that note, that was outrageous. You must face my (chokes up a bit but controls his tears) froth.
Santa: You mean wrath. Don’t cry, No Nosie Noserson. Why was my nose I mean note outrageous?
*Voldemort Takes Out The Note and Begins Reading*
A Note for a Man With No Nose
Dear Tom,
How are you? I am Santa, remember me? You used to write to me as a kid in your awful handwriting. I hope it’s improved now. I know I never responded to any of your letters then, you weren’t very likable as a child, you know. But now, you have grown up to be an even more despicable human being, and you are ugly. What’s worse is that you have no nose on that fuck ugly face of yours. And so I am attaching, with this note, a nose for your peruse. I realise that I have contributed to your decline. And so I want to make up. This nose will give you the “lift” you need. He he.
Don’t write back, Santa
Voldemort: You are a mean bitch for sending me that note.
Santa: And you are rude for not accepting my gift. Where’s the nose, why are you not wearing it?
Voldemort: (Turns off-white with rage) You did not send me a manual! That was perverse, you asshole.
*Santa falls on the floor laughing, shaking his belly, like a pot full of jelly*