It’s High Time We Invent These: Paul Zacharia on the Inventions Humans Need
For those unaware, Paul Zacharia is a writer from Kerala, India, who writes short stories, essays and novels in Malayalam. A Sahitya Kala Akademi award winner, his works like Bhaskara Pattelar and Other Stories, The Reflections of a Hen in Her Last Hour and Other Stories and Ju’S Story have been translated into English.
For those in the know, he is a writer of incisive, experimental prose that are tongue-in-cheek critiques of the politics of our times. In The Reflections of a Hen in Her Last Hour and Other Stories, the book we are concerned with, Zacharia, in a text titled “Some Mechanical Inventions for the Benefit of Mankind” begins with the biggest lament of our times: that we aren’t “inventing” anything anymore. He shares the concern of a generation: Is the age of invention over?
Is the Age of Inventions over? Today, it seems, only in the dusty leaves of history do we find all those wonderful Inventions that make life such a pleasure for the middle class, the upper middle class, and even the well-to-do revolutionaries.
He goes on to list out things from the “annals of history”, perhaps aware that we all love lists, that include:
Theory of Gravity, Socialism, the Communist Party, Roach Poison, Sacred Cows, Stream of Consciousness, Peanut Butter, A.K. Anthony and Anaemia.
Paul Zacharia, like most of us, is aware of the causes that prevent us from inventing:
In my opinion the elementary reason for this slowing down is the bad habit of laziness: that contemptible thought — ‘Why should I?’ Or the heinous thought, ‘I have better things to do than Inventing’. Or the pernicious voice which says it is much more interesting just to lie in bed that to rush around trying to Invent.
He is also aware of the other excuses that non-inventors might invent in order to escape inventions: ‘I’ll Invent something tomorrow’, or, ‘What can I Invent when my wife and kids are sitting around me like this?’ (Don’t ask us why Zacharia seems to believe all inventors are men.), or ‘the Heavens will not fall just because I haven’t invented something’, or ‘I shall remove myself to Kuttalam or Kulu-Manali and start my Inventions there’.
Like us, he invokes national pride and reminds us that we are indebted to our society.
Our debt to our society is as perennial as our debt to our rulers who led us inexorably towards our goals in life and give us our daily rations; or even better, like our debt to the great Soviet Socialist Republics who anxiously await the call of patriots the world over to improve the lot of the workers of this world. Let us not forget that termite mounds, cemeteries, the RSS and ant-hills are also societies. We must all Invent until our society also grows and prospers like them.
He offers us solutions, too, but in that he differs from us. His isn’t one of those lists that float around the internet carrying the hope of solving First World problems, he knows that human beings need much more than that. Zacharia, not one to miss out on the lesser, trivial things that developing nations also need. So his rather inclusive list — anything that includes the middle class, the upper middle class, and even the well-to-do revolutionaries must be called that — goes like this.
The Avenging Lightning Conductor
Truly our enemies are such rascals and rogues. We often pray for lighting to strike them dead, but do we ever take steps to ensure that they are indeed struck? If justice were always a matter of ‘So be it’ these problems would not arise. For instance, justice is surely done if the rogue who usurped my seat in a crowded bus were to slip as he got out, fall under the bus and get run over. But if the same rogue walked out of the bus, fine and fit, without care, and sauntered away with a merry whistle into the day, what else can I do but pray for lightning to strike him dead? But is mere prayer enough? Does not wisdom say, ‘God helps those who help themselves’?
A simple machine that it is, it would be available in any electrical shop. All you need to do is “attach the rod of the lighting conductor to the top of a helicopter or any available airplane”. Then on a stormy night fly it over your enemy’s head; hire a pilot if you don’t know how to fly an airplane. You can’t afford a plane or a helicopter? Really? Is that what concerns you? You could “buy a few acres of rubber plantation or go to Karnataka and buy some acres of areca-nut palms there.” Zacharia believes you could also start a weekly magazine in Kottayam, or how about journalism in Delhi? (Don’t!)
The Lover’s Moonlighter Machine
There must be a million lovers every night who get ready for an amorous tryst and then turn away in disappointment due to the absence of moonlight or even just a simple token moon. Many are the stories of love affairs that fells apart in the absence of proper moon. I personally know the story of two young lovers, a boy and a girl, who even forgot why they met in the garden at night, and just spent time chatting about little social things and went their separate ways. They met a few more times in church on Sundays and also when they went to Kottayam to see Indira Gandhi but their relationship never turned into romance. It ended as mere friendship. The reason? Absence of moonlight. Finally they got married to people whom they had never met before and are living happily. But just think about the slap on the face of Romance! With the machine I have invented, lovers can, if they want to, when they meet at night — sometimes light is not desirable — make the moon shine.
This is another simple invention, or Invention as Zacharia would capitalize the “I”. A remote control switch that can be hidden inside a purses or pockets. Pressing the switch will make thousands of lights shine on the moon. There are other things that you must buy along with the machine, remember it’s for your own benefit. The Supplementary Attachment to Prevent Dark Clouds from Obscuring the Moon will arrive in two models — one for the believers, one for the atheists. While the first would be a book called The Prayer to Prevent Dark Clouds from Appearing and will be available in languages for the believers of the world, the atheist version would be a cassette player with a cassette of the same prayer. The atheists, intellectuals and revolutionaries can just listen without even having to say ‘Amen’.
The Bird Banishing Machine
It is uncivilized and distressing that birds continue to excrete upon the public statues of our great men. Think of all the birds that migrate to India from abroad! And remember what our prime minister told us about the Foreign Hand! Can we totally reject the idea that perhaps all these birds entering India under the so-called migration is just another conspiracy aimed at showing our great men in a bad light?
Only a very simple machine is needed to prevent foreign birds and their Indian collaborators from excreting on the statues. The machine mainly consists of a life-sized sculpture of an evil red-eyed cat with a dead bird in its mouth. Place this sculpture atop the head of each great man. There will be a cassette player inside the cat periodically crying ‘Meow’. The cat on top of Gandhi’s head should not have a bird in its mouth.
But, but, our writer is aware that such an invention might create a lot of confusion among aliens, and especially the travel writers among them. What if they confuse the cat with the great man and the great man with the pedestal? Or, horror of horrors: the bird for the great man!
Won’t they write that
1. The great men of India look like cats.
2. They say ‘Meow’.
3. They have evil red eyes.
4. They bite and rip and tear.
Or
1. The great men of India look like birds.
2. They have all been bitten.
3. They are all dead.
4. They can fly only in airplanes now.
But what is more important greatness or cleanliness? A little greatness lost is a lot cleanliness gained, no?
There’s more in the book. If we have convinced you enough buy the book from this link and help the publisher, the author and us make a few pennies.