Kalki Koechlin Monologue on Modern Life and Our Beloved Consumerism
by Kalki Koechlin
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Modern Life
And thank you for choosing to fly with us.
We know you have the choice of other airlines
And we appreciate your faith and trust.
We will do our best possible to ensure you do not get bored on this journey.
We will provide you with the finest inflight entertainment
And we hope that our abundant on-board shopping experience will be pleasant.
Before we take off, please be aware that Modern Life is sponsored by Boxes.
Without Boxes, we would be in utter chaos and losses,
So do pay attention
To our safety demonstration
Once again,
Sponsored by Boxes.
I would like all of you to locate your nearest box.
In case of an emergency, the floor path lighting will light up the aisle,
Which will guide you to your box.
Remember to leave all your personal belongings behind,
Especially your wallets and purses,
We will take care of those if you don’t mind.
When you reach the box,
Slowly step inside, close the lid tight
And leave the rest to us.
There are no other safety precautions on this flight,
You can keep your seatbelt unfastened or fasten it real tight,
But be assured you are in good hands with Modern life.
We would like to begin by making you aware of our boxes on sale,
All of which are available for immediate purchase.
We have boxes of Cola, Colgate, Chroma, and Kolridge,
Boxes of kettles, ovens and fridges,
Boxes coded by colour with personalized services,
Boxes of every size and every range,
Available for every age.
Over here,
We have a box of marriage,
It’s real nice,
And for you,
I’ll throw in a box of divorce at half price.
You name it.
We got it.
You want God?
We got God in a nice little box.
Which one would you like?
Orthodox?
Radical, Communal, Cult or Fanatical?
Love? Lady, you want love?
We got boxes of love.
Packaged with the sound of rain pitter pattering,
With options of sunsets, stars
And soft, mood lighting.
Perfect for all your tender hearts,
Sponsored by Hallmark cards.
What do you want?
Don’t be shy.
Babes in bikinis?
Old men with cheque books ripping?
The diamond ring?
And the regular sound of Ka-ching Ka-ching?
We have that.
We have boxes of compromises,
Botox injections, facelifting incises,
Sliced skin, stuffed up to enlarged sizes,
Every possible idea of beauty exploited,
To ease the wallets of misers.
And for the less ambitious,
We have a box of loans,
A box of presold homes
A box of all your debts and fees
And your life sentence please.
What?
What sir?
What can I get you?
Nothing?
You don’t want to buy anything?
What about a five star hotel?
To get you out of this hell?
Hmmm?
Clean white linen and fresh towels,
Permanently crisp flowers in your vase,
Shiny, Cadillac cars,
And sauve jazz bands playing in bars.
Champagne, truffles
And the scuffles
Of smiling attendants with little white napkins
To match their little black uniforms
And music and television
And little salted peanut packets
To eat with your little bottle of whiskey,
With the ice and water complimentary.
Is that still a no sir?
No box at all?
Fine.
But if we do have an emergency,
And you’ve got no box of your own to get into,
We will not take responsibility.
Now ladies and gentlemen,
Please be aware we will be dimming the cabin lights,
If you wish to read,
We have boxes of bestsellers for you,
And fifty percent sale on that too,
Please switch on the overhead lamp,
And we will send you a bill for the usage of amps.
For the rest of you who wish to sleep,
We have boxes of pillows,
Lots of pillows in all shapes and sizes,
Pillows to bury your head into,
Pillows to sink into
Pillows with surprises,
Like scented oils that make you dream of sunrises,
Pillows to squeeze,
Pillows to keep you company
Pillows to make you drowsy,
And forget everything slowly,
Pillows to muffle your troubles quietly…
And ladies and gentlemen, good morning!
Would you like a box of toothpaste and socks?
A box of wake up and make up?
A box of magazines
To sell you dreams
Way above your means?
Would you like that to go
With your box of stale baked beans?
What’s the matter?
Sir, is everything ok?
What’s that you say?
You can’t breathe?
Everybody stay calm.
Sir, there’s no need to panic
Because we have a box full of air.
That right, sir, just a few bucks
And I can offer you a few sucks,
Of that precious O2 right there.
All you have to do is place the box
Around your mouth and nose and breathe deeply.
Please make sure you adjust your own box before assisting others,
Especially children.
Children don’t need you.
You need children.
What’s that sir?
You want children?
Well of course sir,
We’ve got boxes of children.
Children with cute faces to sell life insurance
Or transparent braces.
Children with small hands to sow buttons for clothes
On fashion stands.
Children with agile fingers
To push gunpowder into our firecrackers.
Children with tiny bodies and fragile minds,
To fight unending wars
And walk through land mines.
That’s right, children with growing bodies,
Tender bodies,
Virginal bodies,
Made into sex trafficking bodies.
Oh.
We almost forgot…
Babies…
We have just got enough time for babies.
We have boxes of babies,
Branded by such as Cerilac, Nestle,
And Hush Puppies.
And just between you and me
We are planning a brand new series.
Rejected babies, unwanted babies,
Caged next to gunea pigs that have rabies,
Babies that can be poked, prodded, injected and squeezed,
Babies raised in the dark for tender meat,
Served in cream sauce and ready for you to eat.
Baby liver, baby juice,
Baby bones ground into baby feed,
And fed back to babies we need
To make baby pies and crunchy baby feet.
Pause
Hahahaha!
Did you think we were serious?
About the babies?
We were just kidding,
It was a joke.
A little homage to Neil Gaiman,
Do you know him? He’s written all these stories.
One is called Babycakes.
We have it on offer right here,
You can read it,
While you enjoy a dinner
Of tender baby veal steaks.
Anyway, our time is almost up,
Do gulp down your sup,
Fasten your belts,
Put on your shoes,
Pull up your ‘sock’es
And enjoy your boxes.
We hope you have a pleasant onward journey
Thank you for your money,
Your time, your life,
And most importantly
Thank you for choosing to fly Modern Life.
If you enjoyed this Kalki Koechlin monologue on modern life, you must also watch the one she performed on womanhood.
Kalki Koechlin is an award-winning actor and writer. She has been a part of critically successful films such as Dev D, That Girl in Yellow Boots, Shanghai and Margarita, With a Straw.