Not only Fawad Khan, Kareena Kapoor Khan also should go to Pakistan
by Swaroop Mamidipudi
Meeting of the Deport-To-Pakistan Committee of the Department of Population Control and Family Planning, Ministry of HRD, Government of India.
Meeting begins with an impossibly off-key prayer by the Sharma-ji’s daughter, followed by the traditional lighting of the lamp. No one is sure which tradition that is a part of although there are vague murmurs about it being in the Samaveda. Then, a poem is read out in honour of the Minister for HRD, who cannot make it to the meeting because she has to meet the Prime Minister about getting an education.
Meeting begins.
“First things first. From now on, no prayer. We shall do ‘Om chanting’.”
Desk thumping in agreement.
“Sharma-ji, do you have that list from the Cricketers Department?”
“Zaheer Khan, Mohammad Shami, Mohammad Azharuddin and Mohammad Kaif in the first batch.”
“What do you think, Gentlemen?”
“I think we should let Zaheer be. He played well in that World Cup final and all.”
“No, no. Has he ever taken a 5-wicket haul against Pakistan? Never. And he retired just when he heard there may be a series against Pakistan soon. Off with him.”
“Sirjee, Shami won’t make it to the Pakistan team. Poor fellow. He’s pretty good for India. Let’s leave him here, no?”
“He must suffer for his ancestors not moving to Pakistan in 1947. Why didn’t they go? Did we hold them by their balls?”
Guffaws heard at the delicious use of ‘balls’ to describe a bowler’s ancestors. Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ also heard.
“But that was three generations ago.”
“Aren’t we suffering so many generations of appeasement? Off with him… In any case, in Pakistan, they’ll confuse him with Mohammad Sami and never pick him. This is great.”
Desk thumping all around. Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.
“Azhar was Member of Parliament here, desh-bhakt and all…”
“Desh-bhakt?! He was Paki-agent inside Parliament, you know? There’s no proof, but he was.”
“That’ll make a nice title for a movie, no? Paki Agent Inside Parliament”.
“Like Ek Bandar Hotel ke Andar?”
“Yes, yes. Like that only.”
“Ok. Well done. I’ll ask Madhur to make a movie like that… That way we can give Gajendra some work also. We can cast him as Harsha Bhogle or something. Next?”
“Mohammad Kaif… Sir, he’s just minding his business… And he won us that NatWest Trophy final.”
“No. If we spare one, the others will also demand. Deport him. Actually, let’s send all the Kaifs in this country out.”
“Sir, sir. Ek minit.”
“Haanji, Shukla-ji.”
“Let Katrina Kaif be here, no?”
“Katrina Kaif?! No chance. She must also go to Pakistan. You didn’t see Ek Tha Tiger? She’s ISI in that.”
“Oh. So, if she’s ISI in a movie, she must go?”
“Of course. I heard that in the sequel by Balaji Telefilms, Ek Tha Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor is playing an ISI agent. Send her to Pakistan also. Second offence after Agent Vinod! What gall. Marrying Pakistani Saif in real life and then adding Khan to her name. It’s all love jehad. Now all those girls who stopped eating to become size zero like her — they’ll ape this aspect of her life also.”
“Sir, why are all heroes Muslim?”
“That’s a long story, my friend. But very simply put, it was a plan by Jinnah.”
“Jinnah? You mean Muhammad Ali?”
“No, that’s a boxer. I’m talking of the tall guy — Father of Pakistan.”
Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.
“Jinnah told the grandfather of many Khans to stay back here and make their progeny film stars… To control the minds of the people. Muslims are always doing drama and they are fair, no? It was easy for them. In the beginning, they were using Indian names, like Dilip Kumar. Then, they realised that it was not working. So, they started using their real names. Even Kamal Hassan is a Hassan!”
“Sir, how do you know this story?”
“I saw it on one Rediff message board. And then I immediately verified it by adding it to Wikipedia.”
“Sir, aap mahaan hain.” Desk thumping.
“Thank you, it’s in my genes.”
“I know, Sir. Genes. Most important thing.”
“It runs in the blood.”
“Sahi hai, Sir.”
“But Sir, one minute. Kareena Kapoor Khan… By adding husband’s surname to her name, she got the Sanskaari Adarsh Nari Puraskar from the DoPP…
“DoPP?”
“Department of Patriarchy Preservation.”
“What?! When did this Department come?”
“Sir, you know Kamlesh Gandhi?”
“Yes.”
“He had to be promoted out of turn…”
“Oh yeah, I remember. For that report on what various people were doing and saying in 1984?”
“Yes sir, for that Report.”
“Great report, no?”
“Brilliant, Sir.”
“My favourite chapter was on Shabana Azmi’s films from 1984… One of them was Aaj Ka MLA Ram Avtar. I alerted the Bajrang Dal. They are planning a protest outside her house for her, a Muslim, acting in a movie that compares MLAs to Ram Avtar.”
Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.
“Sir, did you read that Arundhati Roy Chapter? She met her husband in 1984… I mean, people are dying and she was romancing out-of-caste… Why didn’t she marry someone in 2002?”
“Arundhati? Her name is Suzanne Roy. Get your facts right, or I’ll call you Raul Vinci.”
“By the way, someone married Arundhati Roy?!”
“No way to tell these days, no? They don’t even change their names.”
“Exactly, Sir. That’s why Gandhi-saab started the Sanskaari Adarsh Nari Puraskar and put Kareena on the list.”
“Did he give the award to Kareena? Or is it just a proposal?”
“He gave her the Award.”
“Damn it…. How can we deport a Government awardee?” Pause. “Force her to return the award. Swaminathan, you can take care of that?”
“Sir, yes sir.”
“Sir, her mother in law? Sharmila Tagore?”
“Begum Ayesha Sultana, you mean. Hiding behind her National Poet surname. Send her to Pakistan. She was one of the earliest victims of love jehad, poor lady.”
“Sirjee, I have an idea!”
“What is it Damle?”
“Sir, let’s revoke Tagore’s National Poet thingy for Sharmila’s infractions.”
“Great idea, Damle. Let’s send him also to Pakistan.”
“Sir, he’s dead.”
“I know that, Damle. I’m not stupid… I was speaking metaphorically. Let’s name him the National Poet of Pakistan. We’ll make that guy who wrote Vande Mataram the National Poet. Naam kya hai uska?”
“Sir, AR Rahman.”
“Rahman!? Hey bhagwaan. Send him also Pakistan.”
“Sir, actually Rahman only composed the tune. The song was really by Bharatbala.”
“Wow, Swami. He even has Bharat in his name. Chalo, done. Bharatbala is the National Poet of India.”
“But, Sir…”
“Shut up, Kothari…”
“Sir, what about Subramanya Bharati? He also has Bharat in his name.”
“No chance. He’s Tamilian. First-rate, anti-national secessionists. LTTE supporters. What say, Swaminathan?”
“Sir, yes sir.”
“But Sir…”
“What is it, Kothari?”
“Sir, why don’t we make Jhaverchand Meghani the National Poet of India?”
“Why not, Kothari? Of course. In fact, why don’t we make you the National Poet? Viral Kothari, Rashtriya Kavi. Idiot.”
Whispers of ‘Chairman is hilarious’ heard.
“Is Mr. Kothari’s first name really Viral?”
“It’s viral, like finger. Not viral, like fever.”
Whispers of ‘I don’t understand these Madrasi jokes’ heard.
“Wow. What a name to have in today’s world.”
“It’s a real name. It means ‘precious’ in Sanskrit.”
“Sanskrit name? Wah! You must be getting that new income-tax exemption, no?”
“I had to explain to Income-tax Department that my name was not a kind of video, but yeah. Close to getting approval for the exemption.”
“That’s it. I’m going to change my name to Swaminath.”
Whispers of ‘I don’t understand these Madrasi jokes’ heard.
“Ok, stop this banter. Any further issues?”
“Sir, there’s one, um, slightly embarrassing issue that has cropped up.”
“Embarrassing?”
“Sir, under section 2(j)(i) of the Deportation of Anti-Nationals to Pakistan Act, 2015, an ‘anti-national’ includes a person whose child has married a Muslim.”
“Ok…”
“So, sir, Mr. Subramanian Swamy is an anti-national and he must be deported to Pakistan…”
Groans of ‘Oh, Suhasini…’ heard at the table. The entire room turns around to look at Swamy smiling beatifically at them from a photo on the wall.
“Is there no exception to this section?”
“No, Sir.”
Long pause. Chairman scratches his belly in deep thought.
“Ok. I’ll talk to the Minister about this. Keep the file pending. Talk to Mr. Swamy and ask him to please stop asking people to go to Pakistan on Twitter. We’ll get an amendment passed in the next session of Parliament. Drafters these days, I tell you. Back in the Vedic times, they left nothing ambiguous… If you oppress someone, have the decency to not use loopholes. That’s what the Manusmriti teaches us.”
“I know, Sir.”
“Ok. Who’s doing the Vote of Thanks?”
Swaminath (name changed) proposed the Vote of Thanks. That’s the first time he ever proposed; his was an arranged marriage. The meeting dissolved after a rendition of Bharatbala’s (New National Poet) Vande Mataram instead of the (now) Pakistani national anthem.
“It’s a real name. It means ‘precious’ in Sanskrit.”
“Sanskrit name? Wah! You must be getting that new income-tax exemption, no?”
“I had to explain to Income-tax Department that my name was not a kind of video, but yeah. Close to getting approval for the exemption.”
“That’s it. I’m going to change my name to Swaminath.”
Whispers of ‘I don’t understand these Madrasi jokes’ heard.
“Ok, stop this banter. Any further issues?”
“Sir, there’s one, um, slightly embarrassing issue that has cropped up.”
“Embarrassing?”
“Sir, under section 2(j)(i) of the Deportation of Anti-Nationals to Pakistan Act, 2015, an ‘anti-national’ includes a person whose child has married a Muslim.”
“Ok…”
“So, sir, Mr. Subramanian Swamy is an anti-national and he must be deported to Pakistan…”
Groans of ‘Oh, Suhasini…’ heard at the table. The entire room turns around to look at Swamy smiling beatifically at them from a photo on the wall.
“Is there no exception to this section?”
“No, Sir.”
Long pause. Chairman scratches his belly in deep thought.
“Ok. I’ll talk to the Minister about this. Keep the file pending. Talk to Mr. Swamy and ask him to please stop asking people to go to Pakistan on Twitter. We’ll get an amendment passed in the next session of Parliament. Drafters these days, I tell you. Back in the Vedic times, they left nothing ambiguous… If you oppress someone, have the decency to not use loopholes. That’s what the Manusmriti teaches us.”
“I know, Sir.”
“Ok. Who’s doing the Vote of Thanks?”
Swaminath (name changed) proposed the Vote of Thanks. That’s the first time he ever proposed; his was an arranged marriage. The meeting dissolved after a rendition of Bharatbala’s (New National Poet) Vande Mataram instead of the (now) Pakistani national anthem.