Pre-written Apologies For The Easily Offended
by Swaroop Mami
“You know, I’ve been thinking…”
“You think also?”
“Fuckers, listen to me, no?”
“Tell, no?”
“See. We put a disclaimer at the beginning of the video. We put an adult content warning. We even said it is offensive… And still they took offence. It sucks.”
“Alia Bhatt ki aulaad. It took you so long to figure that out.”
“Fuck you man. I hadn’t finished. Don’t interrupt my train of thought.”
“Passenger train of thought.”
“Listen to me, no?”
“Tell, no?”
“Ok. So, we did all the warnings and they still watched it and took offence. Then we had to take the video down and apologise… Why don’t we, now, put the cart before the horse?”
Blank stares from everyone around.
“Wait, so who’s the cart and who’s the horse?”
“Actually, yeah. Cart before the horse would be an awkward position…”
“It’s an expression, fuckers! Didn’t you guys read your Wren and Martin? Now who’s being Alia Bhatt?”
“Alia Bhatt with a dirty mind.”
“Who’s to say Alia Bhatt does not have a dirty mind…”
“Ooh yeah.”
“Fuckers, concentrate on what I’m trying to say, no?”
“Ok. What were we discussing?”
“Carts. Horses.”
“Ah, yes. Carts. Horses.”
“Guys, just a second. I still don’t get it. Who’s hung like a horse?”
“Fuck, hang this guy man. Really. Just shut up.”
“Yeah. Get back to topic.”
“Ok. So, my great idea is this. For the next video we’re uploading, instead of disclaimers, we’ll put apologies.”
“Like, ‘apologies in advance’?”
“Exactly.”
“What an expression that is, man. You can do anything after apologising in advance. Dude, listen, apologies in advance… I think you’re a fucking chutiya lund phatak laude ke baal madarchod ke bacche…”
“Well done.”
“Like 80s Bollywood villains should have said, ‘Apologies in advance, madam, but some of us are going to kidnap you, take you to a den that has some strange pulleys and drums, and attempt to molest you.’ That’s all. After that, they can do anything they want.”
“Apologise in advance and get this force field around you. Wow.”
“Capital idea, dude.”
“Well done!”
“So, we’ll apologise in advance in every video.”
“Well done!”
“So, I’ll go now and add all the apologies in advance to the next video. Who wants to help me?”
“I’m a bit hungry, man.”
“I need to apply Fair and Lovely.”
“I’m feeling too tall.”
“I get the hint.”
Two hours later. Huddled around a laptop screen.
A black screen with the words ’18+ Adult content only.’
Fade out.
Now the screen shows a blonde buxom lady washing vessels in a kitchen in America wearing a dress too short for even beaches in India.
“Oops, wrong video!”
“But hot MILF, man.”
“Dude! You still watch porn? Didn’t work out with that girl?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Guys, come on. Concentrate.”
“Play the right fucking video, no?”
“Fucking video. Ooh. Freudian.”
“Dudes!!”
“Ok ok.”
Right video is played. A black screen with the words ’18+ Adult content only.’
Fade out.
‘Content of this video may be harmful to eyes, ears, nose and brain.’
“Pause, pause!”
“What happened?”
“Nose?!”
“That was for your fart jokes, man.”
High fives.
“Nice one, dude.”
Play.
‘This video contains graphic language and imagery.’
“Pause, pause!”
“What happened?”
“Imagery?!”
“That was for your face, man.”
High fives.
“Nice one, dude.”
Play.
‘The makers of this video apologise in advance to
the Hindu Mahasabha and its sympathisers, followers, members, office bearers and internet trolls, to the Bajrang Dal, the Rama Sene, the Vishwa Hindu Parishad,
and the Archdiocese of Bombay (and all its various branches and sects), to all Archdioceses of various cities in the world, to all Catholics and Protestants,
the All India Muslim Personal Laws Board, the Jamaat-e-Islami, the MIM, the Jamiat-Ulema-i-Hind, and all other such similar and dissimilar organisations
for any offence that may be caused.’
Screen fades to black.
“Pause, pause.”
“What now?”
“I think we should start one level higher.”
“Eh?”
“We should first apologise to God.”
“To all Gods.”
“Yeah, correct. All Gods.”
“Boss, we can’t be apologise to every God. There are too many.”
“Especially in India.”
“Omnibus apology to all Gods is good.”
“Anyway sab ka malik ek.”
“Salim Malik?”
“No. Shoaib Malik.”
“Ey, he’s only Sania Mirza’s malik.”
“Patriarchal asshole, you are.”
“Fuckers, concentrate!”
“But tell me — how will God take offence? Isn’t God all-forgiving.”
“Don’t say that. God will punish you.”
Pause in conversation. Suddenly.
“One doubt. Is Sachin Tendulkar included in the omnibus use of the term ‘God’?”
“We are ignoring that joke.”
“Yeah. Get back to your Fair and Lovely.”
Play.
‘We apologise to all men and women,
we apologise especially to fat men and women, and to thin men and women,
we apologise to straight men and women for making LBGT jokes,
we apologise to LBGT men and women for making LBGT jokes.’
“It’s LGBT, not LBGT.”
“What difference does that make? All categories are covered either way.”
“Rolls off the tongue better, darling.”
“Ooh, kinky.”
“What’s kinky about that?”
“Rolling off the tongue.”
“Dude, if you say it like that, anything will be kinky.”
“We, the people of India, having solemnly resolved, to constitute India…”
“Constitute. Nice.”
“One suggestion. Make it LGBTQ.”
“Keen eye you’ve got, dude.”
“My eye is keen? What about the rest of me?”
“Ooh, kinky.”
‘We apologise to the Hon’ble Mr. Prime Minister Pujaniya Shri Narendrabhai Modi Ji’.
“Pause!!”
“What?”
“Why him?”
“There were a couple of Modi jokes, man.”
“Dude, they were about Lalit Modi.”
“I know. But why take a chance? I mean, what if they don’t get the joke?”
“But the jokes were about cricket, chicks and the IPL.”
“Listen. These people thought Lord Ganesha had plastic surgery done on him. You trust them to take a rational stand?”
“Yeah, he’s right. This stays.”
“Dude, by the way, nice touch on the honorifics.”
“Thanks.”
‘We apologise to Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, Christians, Buddhists, Jains, Zoroastrians, Rastafarians, Shintos and any other followers of any other religions we might have inadvertently left out.’
“Atheists?”
“Boss, they never take offence to anything.”
“Of course they do. Every time they see anyone doing anything remotely religious, they go nuts.”
“Yeah man. They’re just followers of the religion of atheism.”
‘We apologise to Capitalists (crony or otherwise) and Marxists, to Leftists (including Maoists), Rightists and Centrists, to upper and lower castes and tribes, people belonging to all states of India, speakers of all languages (official and unofficial) to the bourgeois and proletariat.’
“Let me guess — you had to use spell check to get bourgeois.”
“I had to, yes.”
‘We apologise to hair-stylists.’
“Why?!”
“There was one joke when you called one of them a barber. And they took offence to ‘Billu Barber’, remember?”
“Baarbaar protest nahi karenge, yaar.”
“Fuck. Someone just bloody ban puns once and for all. Please.”
“Play.”
‘We apologise to mothers and sisters, fathers and sons.’
“Is this for what I think it yes.”
“Yes, madarchod.”
“Fuck you, benchod.”
“You know, once I heard these two Punjabi guys talking to each other. So, one would talk, ‘O yaar, blah blah blah blah blah blah, behnchod’. And then the other would reply, ‘Haan yaar, blah blah blah blah blah blah, behnchod’. And then the first guy would say, ‘Par yaar, blah blah blah blah blah blah, behnchod,’ and then the other guy would say, ‘Sahi baat hai, yaar, blah blah blah blah blah blah, madarchod.’ It was like these cinematic army conversations. Only, you replace ‘over’ and ‘over and out’ with behnchod, madarchod.”
“Are you practising for your next stand up routine?”
“Always working on new material, bro.”
“Good. Apologise to Punjabis before you say that joke.”
“Good pointer.”
“Dude, we should do this apology thing on stage also, no? Better safe than sorry.”
“Actually, it should be done everywhere… In movies — immediately after the ‘Special Thanks’, there should be an ‘Apologies’ section. Same with books — ‘Acknowledgments and Apologies’.”
“Oooh, news channels should have a daily segment. ‘That’s it from the weather report. And now to our apologies desk… So, Suresh, who have we offended today?’ ‘Your weather report offended the cricket fans in Mumbai waiting for the game to start!’ ‘Is that a first?’ ‘No, I found your tie offensive yesterday.’”
High fives.
“Same with newspapers — Obituaries and Apologies Page.”
“And magazines. And blogs.”
“Wordpress should come up with an automated widget that recognises potential offence and offers apologies.”
“Twitterati must take stock each night and apologise to all and sundry before logging out for the night.”
“Man. There’s money in this idea.”
“Lots of money.”
“Let’s copyright it.”
“Let’s!”
“So every time anyone wants to apologise to anyone else, they must take a licence from us. And we’ll charge them crores for the licence.”
“Brilliant.”
“Let’s give up stand up comedy. Let’s just do this.”
“We’re not that funny anyway.”
“Yeah. True.”
“Time to be true to our life’s calling.”
“So far, we have only been answering nature’s calling.”
“Yuck.”
“Fuck.”
“Ok boys, group hug.”
They hug. Their leader speaks first.
“Offence is the best form of defence.”
“Amen.”