by Rachelle Bharathi Chandran
They told me, I had too much hair.
They told me that my curly black hair was beautiful
on my head
A head full of hair and body too,
I was postmature,
had no wish to leave the womb
They rubbed my body with turmeric
That pre-marriage ritual,
for a baby
Post-mature, indeed
Girls cannot have that much hair, they said
They prepared me for men
Like a sheep reared.
Choice, they say
Where is choice when you are not allowed one?
I must have cried, I cannot remember
for them to stop.
My body resisted
but has persisted
My hair refused to submit.
It rebelled even before me
I still have more hair on my legs, my arms, my fingers, my back
Probably more than the naked male bodies I saw
I can see your disgust
I can feel your disgust
I don’t.
I tried waxing, made my skin angry red
But, the women and men in my life liked it
They affirmed saying that my skin was smooth as silk
Affirmation currency lasted only a few months
Because soon paper casteist gandhi was not enough
They said that it would be that way the first few months
That eventually the hair growth will slow down
They showed me 40 year old ladies
Who spent a whole sunday at the parlour
Waxing, mani, pedi, eyebrow, upper lip, facial, brazilian
They told me that their hair growth had ’slowed’ aging,
apparently age was not taken into factor.
I was not fem enough for the boys
I was masc enough for the tomboys
I always said that I would love anyone.
even as a child
I couldn’t say sex because male leery eyes followed me
even as a child,
Returning from karate
Fuck self-defence classes
Sex traumatized
The only experience of that was rape
They asked me, do I not like boys?
Do I not find men on billboard’s hot?
I liked girls better, crushes
Crushed because I was only for a night
A memory of good times
A memory of rebellion
Not for love, not for relationships
Not for monogamy
Like why be bi if you can’t fuck around
Bi, before I discovered another word
I liked boys but feared them
I would have liked very much to not like them
To not have a physical attraction
But I can’t, I don’t choose it
Because my earliest thought was I would love anyone
And I found a word that would define it
More than bi
Identity politics is the bane, but do they know
Do they understand how liberating it is to find a word
That defines what you felt, all your life?
Pansexual.
And I don’t have to define it.
Non-binary exists in my body
Weird, Alien, they called me +Fat, oh that word
Now, they ask about transition
Yes, I want to abandon the parts of my fem bod
But, not transition
I identify as many things
All valid
All true
But only my fem parts are excitable
That’s the objectification thrust on me
That a man can grope my breasts
when I walk in a dark lane
While I wore baggy pants and baggy jacket
That hid my breasts
He could still cop a feel
Ah, what have you done to stop those things, they say
Have you tried looking less victim-y?
More confident like the men?
Chest out, head up, chin up, straight, proud
The confidence of a cisman whose only vulnerability
Is a dick, only when kicked
And the only penetration he fears is his asshole
Which cannot happen from a woman
Yes, I tried.
Looking confident
I tried classes
I trained harder than any man in my class
My knuckles bleed for days
My arms had blue-black marks for days
That man groped me when I was returning from the class
I still couldn’t do anything
Fuck you if you think classes help
Fuck you if you think confidence helps
You know who can’t have eye contact?
Autistic persons, persons with debilitating social anxiety
You know why we walk with chest closed
A slight curve in our backs
So it doesn’t become easy for men to grab our boobs
Because we are terrified
But it’s easy
Easy for you to dismiss this as trauma lens
The last identity
Dalit
Prima et ultima
They say, don’t use that word
You cannot possibly be that
You speak english
You have education
It’s not the word that is dirty
It’s your thinking
Dalit,
it shall be
Broken, yet whole
Kintsukuroi by Babasaheb
Rachelle Bharathi Chandran is a Dalit, Non-Binary identifying Pansexual person. Zir interests lie in areas of inter generational trauma, sex and gender within Dalit communities, accessible healthcare and support groups for marginalized persons.