What’s your email password?

Searching for the ideal email password

by Sumana Roy

After Facebook, that old adage about a man being known by the company he keeps might no longer hold. Even the colour of your inner wear, the number of earrings on your left ear, the position of your tattoo or the side of the bed you sleep on might say nothing about you. But something definitely will: Your email password.

One afternoon, sitting in an internet cafe in Siliguri, a small town in sub-Himalayan Bengal where I live, I overheard three young people, two Bihari men and a Nepali girl, discuss different permutations of possible passwords for a new email account. No matter what password the men offered, Google remained adamant.

‘Google says it’s weak,’ reported the girl. She was an employee at the internet cafe and supervised operations when her employer was away. At other times, she only asked for identity cards and maintained a log of our internet surfing time.

Girl: What’s your mother’s name?

First Man: It’s my email not my mother’s.

Girl: You can put her name in the password.

First Man: Why? Why should she know what I am doing?

Girl: No, she wouldn’t know. Only you would know.

First Man: I know my mother’s name already.

Girl: Yes, but the world doesn’t know your mother’s name. So no one would be able to hack your account.

Second Man: What is hacking?

First Man: I know what is hacking, you keep quiet.

Second Man: Is it something like backing?

Girl: If you don’t want to put your mother’s name …

First Man: If my account is hacked, what will I do? I have only one mother. I can’t change her name or get a new mother.

Girl: Then you can put your father’s name.

First Man: I’ll put my first girlfriend’s name.

Girl: Spelling?

First Man: Rita. I don’t know the spelling.

Second Man: She wasn’t your girlfriend. You only liked her. She never gave you any patta.

Girl: R-i-t-a. Or R-e-e-t-a?

First Man: Wait, don’t put her name. If my current girlfriend finds out, it’ll be a problem.

Second Man: I didn’t know you have a girlfriend. Did you ever have a girlfriend?

Girl: Don’t mind, but no one will come to know about your password. Only Google and you.

First Man: But Rita wasn’t a good girl. She married that Dharmender for money.

Girl: You can change your password later.

Second Man: That is very good. New girlfriend. New password. Maza aa gaya.

Girl: Google says that it is a weak password.

Second Man: Arrey yaar, don’t give the name of your girlfriend. Girls are so weak. How can they carry the burden of passwords?

Girl: Passwords don’t have to be heavy …

First Man: At last you’ve said something useful. (Turns to the girl) Put Salman Khan’s name.

Second Man: No, put Sunny Deol’s name, listen to me.

Girl: salmankhan. All small letters, don’t forget.

First Man: Arrey, who can forget Sallu bhai?

Girl: Weak password again.

Second Man: Salman is also weak? I tell you, put Taliban there. Taliban.

First Man: No, put Al Qaeda.

Girl: It doesn’t work like that. This ‘weak’ means something different.

First Man: Put Hanumanji as the password. Then we’ll see.

Girl: See, it has to be alphanumeric. Put in a few numbers.

Second Man: 100 kilos. Put that.

First Man: 100 quintals.

Girl: Okay. Now you have to put in a character like …

Second Man: Arrey, forget it. First you put Hanumanji’s name and then 100 quintals. Even that is not enough? You have to give Hanumanji a character certificate? What is this, yaar?

First Man: Yes, my friend is right. You know, everyone knows that Hanumanji is not a loose character.

Girl: Look at the keyboard here. Choose any character from this row.

Second Man: Do we have to pay for that? And what if we lose the tablet? What happens to the password then?

Girl: You don’t have to take the key — not ‘tablet’ — with you. You just remember it. That’s all.

Second Man: I’ll remember the name of Hanumanji, I’ll remember 100 quintal, but how can I remember something that I don’t know.

First Man: &. That is easy to remember.

Second Man: Kumar & Sons. Isn’t that what you are thinking about? You haven’t been able to forget Rita. Bechara.

Girl: So here’s your password: Hanumanji&100quintal

Second Man: Badiya hai.

First Man: Now send my first email to Dubai.

Girl: You can do that on your own, can’t you?

First Man: I will pay you money. I want a Bio-data.

Second Man: Yes, give him a Bio-data.

Girl: What do you need a Bio-data for?

First Man: I’ll be going to Dubai. That is why I need an email and I need a Bio-data.

Girl: Whoever needed a Bio-data to get a job in Dubai?

Second Man: Matlab?

Girl: Does Dawood Ibrahim have a Bio-data?

First Man: Listen, do you know what is Dawood Ibrahim’s email id?

Second Man: Don’t get involved with the underworld, listen to me.

Girl: For the Bio-data you’ll have to pay thirty rupees extra.

Second Man: What could be Dawood’s password, yaar?

First Man: Very strong password. Very strong.

Second Man: Is it possible to buy strong passwords?

Girl: You can buy email ids. But not passwords.

Second Man: Yeh kya baat huyi. You sell the lock but not the key.

First Man: Not lock. Email is like a locker. Bank locker.

Girl: What is your date of birth?

First Man: Why?

Girl: For your Bio-data.

First Man: Put anything.

Girl: Ji?

Second Man: Which is more important — Bio-data or Password?

Girl: Whom do you want to send this Bio-data to?

First Man: Why should I tell you that?

Second Man: Listen, write everything down on a piece of paper, fold it and put it inside an amulet. It’ll stay safe.

First Man: I’m not scared of any hacker.

Second Man (to the girl): Have you ever seen a hacker?

Girl: No.

Second Man: Then why are you scaring us with stories about hackers?

Girl: When did I …

First Man: I have a strong password, don’t I?

Girl: Yes.

First Man: Do you know any hacker?

Second Man: Rehta kaha hai? (Where does he live?)

Girl: Your total bill is seventy rupees.

First Man: So much?

Second Man: A Speed Post costs twenty five rupees. And a password costs seventy? How?

Girl: Yeh password kabita nahi hai ki mooft mein milega. A password is not poetry that you’ll get it for free. I
had to work hard on getting a strong password, didn’t you see?

Second Man: Arrey, what did you do to get a strong password? Did you go to the gym?

First Man: We won’t pay for …

Second Man: Yes, we won’t pay for something we can’t carry back home.

Girl: A password is not samosa that you can …

First Man: Bilkul theek kaha aap ne, a password is samose mein alu …

Girl: I’ll have to call my boss if you don’t …

First Man: I’ll change my password right now. Then I won’t have to pay you.

Second Man: Yaar, what happens to old passwords when you leave them for the new? Ram nam satya hai?

Girl: Stop it.

First Man: Passwords are not wives that you have to be stuck with one woman your entire life.

Second Man: Keep the twenty rupees we are giving you. It’s a lot of money.

Girl: I’ll call the police.

Second Man: What have we stolen?

First Man: Forget it. De de paise. Let’s pay the seventy rupees.

Second Man: Why? Why should we?

First Man: Arrey, didn’t you see how a password is like Anil Kapoor in Mr. India? It knows what we are doing but we can’t see it.

Second Man: You coward. Rook ja. If the password is Mr. India, I’ll wait here. I want to see Sridevi dancing … (Singing) I love you … Yaar, make ‘I love you’ your password.

Girl: Weak password.